Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

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More than often people have the predetermined thoughts about fat people and that shit is annoying. Believe me, I know society follows the majority rules theory but that’s bullshit . It’s just a couple that I want to clear up that I hear often.

Fat People eat anything
Fuck you and kill yourself, I didn’t get fat from just eating honey buns and cupcakes. I got fat from meals and I don’t mean frozen dinners. I probably would be skinny too if my mother didn’t cook every night and I ate oodles and noodles. We didn’t have struggle meals, moms made us real food from scratch.

Fat people stink
Now I have been around some fat stinky motherfuckers. The one thing my mother instilled in me was “people think all fat people stink so always smell your best!” Since I was told that hygiene as always been a top priority to me. Plus, I love to hear women say “oh Dion you smell so good.”

Fat people can’t dress
WELP, when the only clothing they make in your size is sweatpants and MooMoo’s what the fuck you expect from us to do? I couldn’t settle for that, I made it my duty to find fine threads in my size. Sidenote God Bless Michael Kors and Ralph Lauren.

Fat people are lazy
We’re not lazy we just find smarter ways to do things than skinny people do. I’m not doing 3 flights of stairs when there’s a elevator coming, ill just be patient and wait. See skinny people are always in a hurry to get stuff done and then cause a catastrophe. Slow and steady wins the race.

Fat People are lonely
Don’t know about you but lonely hasn’t been in my vocabulary since I was 12. The common misconception is that fat people lack the basic skills and tools it takes to secure a mate. That’s not everybody there are fat men and women that will treat you better than anyone ever have. There’s also those out here that are “fat players”

Now in no way am I saying being fat is the way to be at all. I’m on my way to the treadmill now, but what I’m saying is we are not all fat sloppy balls of funk and puss. A little extra skin doesn’t mean there’s not a human-being underneath of it all.

Concerned Fat Guy

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What’s good folks, this blog is gonna begin a series which I have titled “You Know What Grinds My Gears”. The purpose is quite simply to share with you some of the things that drive me fuckin crazy in society/the world today.

 

Ok so first I have to say I’m a metro rider (public transportation), its how I get to and fro until I get myself a vehicle. Now normally not much bothers me on the metro seeing as how I’ve been utilizing it since I was 9 years old. However a couple of years ago this AWFUL trend started to emerge among its riders. It’s called the Rolling Bag. Now if you’ve ever been to an airport, train station, or bus terminal then I’m sure you’re familiar with these bags. They are mostly used specifically for travel purposes.

 

Why do these bags bother u so much Millz??? Well guys it’s for a couple of reasons. Metro during the hours I ride (rush hour) is extremely packed. We are talking about hundreds of people commuting. So as you can imagine space is a precious commodity. Now in all that damn chaos you have a bevy of assholes with these bags, and they are either lugging them to the side of their body, or directly behind them. What makes it worst is they are usually walking slow as molasses. This just makes the whole commute frustrating as hell. These people have no regard for their fellow passengers. I mean COME ON MAN! Leave some of that shit at home. I bet you dollars to donuts most of that shit they are lugging around is non-essential.

And I’m sure some of you will read this as say: “Who are you to tell people what they can carry??? Well to you guys I say; 1.) SUCK MY BALLS! (Lol J/K…nah seriously) 2.) I’m just a humble student & worker who would like to see a shred of common decency from these douche bags  Metro isn’t an airport or train station where space is plentiful. I’m struggling to make my way past the fatties, the people that walk while not paying attention, and the Moms (or Nannies) who always seem to be on the train during Rush Hour.

 

So me just being me (a silly ass individual who generally Gives ZERO FUCKS). I decided to create a game out of evading or kicking these bags. The point system cannot be explained; because well it’s just some silly shit I created to make myself feel better Lol. My form is Pele’esque (famous Fubol legend) when I unleash on these bags. I’m talking about a quick focused kick to let the person know “Hey you, FUCK UR BAG” I got that down. I gotta say it’s pretty damn hilarious to see a person’s face after u kick the SHIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEET out of their bag and casually step-off as if nothing happened. Is what I do wrong? Sure but that’s my way of keeping the balance. It also makes me feel better in the process.

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Disclaimer: I do not recommend the kicking of bags for anybody. The game and its details you have read in this blog are conducted by professionals. I am NOT liable for you getting either clamped up by the Metro Fuzz or BEAT by some passenger.

 

Sincerely,

 

Millz (The Metro Bag Assassin) 

The joys of ratchet pussy

Posted: October 25, 2012 by dimpjuice in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

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I know I know the title alone leads you to think this is gonna be a post of nothing but derogatory statements. Your wrong. I actually applaud ratchet women like the roaches they are survivors. Leave a ratchet chick in the hood alone in 2 weeks, she’ll have food stamps, a welfare check, maybe a car and on a waiting list for a new townhouse. This isn’t about that, this is about joys of dealing with them because in the words of Juicy J “You no to ratchet pussy I can’t!”

Availability
One thing you find with a ratchet woman: constantly available. Let’s be honest, no one is wifing these chicks at all. 3am you leaving the club guess who’s up? Yep you guessed it! She up with a jay rolled and if you got a good one a struggle meal to feed the liquor.

Low Requirements
Regular women require so much time and attention it’s annoying. Ratchet chick doesn’t want to cuddle or tell you about her day, shit she doesn’t even care if you have a job. Come through beat, skeet and roll. If you got a good one you don’t even talk on the phone send a text “what’s good” response will either be “come through” or “you tell me”

Easy Access Pussy
All that wining and dining lighting candles and making stove stop stuffing…not happening in Ratchet land. If you buy a 20 piece and a red box movie you may have went too far. One thing about ratchet puss is you can occupy too much of their time. If they see one of them lovie-dovie ass dudes, you will quickly become a simp and be reduced to parking lot hand jobs with cucumber melon lotion. Don’t be that guy!!

Treat her like a lady?

Don’t be this guy either!!! All women should be treated like women, I got a daughter, of course I believe that. Ratchet women are a special breed though…like its different with them. You got to remember they don’t have the requirements of regular women and they have lived a life that has no structure or bounds so handling them gently is out the question. This isn’t a precious flower growing from concrete…. This here rag weed brother snatch it and handle it.

Following these simple steps should help you in your dealings with the finest of hoodrat pussy!!!

Concerned fat guy!

The fear of dating a large gentlemen…

Posted: October 1, 2012 by dimpjuice in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

 

I want to clear up some of these misconceptions women have about dating a large frame man. A lot of women have heard these “Myths” and ran with them.

Fat Simps
Let’s start off all fat boys aren’t desperate lonely simps. Some women feel that if they lock down a large gentlemen they have hit pay dirt…not here boo. Only woman breaking these pockets is 7 and has pig tails. Anything I do is because I want to not because I want to keep your company.

They Stink
You ever been out somewhere and smell something horrid? You automatically looked for the nearest fat person? It’s ok I do it also most people do. I can’t speak for other fat people but I pride myself on smelling good at all times. I have an assortment of shower tools, hair cleansers and colognes to ensure my freshness. My mother told me as a kid that people always think fat people stink…I won’t be that nigga.

Guaranteed MOUF

A lot of men weren’t raised by men or didn’t have a male figure in their life. These are mostly the niggas that tell women “I don’t want to fuck you I just want to taste you all night long. ” that trait is also displayed by the fat simp. Don’t get it twisted I enjoy receiving just as much as I enjoy giving MOUF but women have been led to believe that it’s guaranteed with a fat nigga and that’s far from the truth….you say what has led women to these beliefs?

They are not endowed

This is commonly believed myth that all fat boys have miniature tools. Again this is subject that I can’t answer for all but for self I can say that I do well. I won’t go to in depth just know this ladies you can’t judge a book by its cover.

They Soft

Most people believe that large gentlemen are gentle giants and you can talk to them and do whatever to them….far from the truth. I am a sarcastic asshole and proud of it. I take shit from no one

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